Monday, June 30, 2008

Working Over Time

If it were a perfect world pain wouldn't exist. Love would last forever. Drugs would be used to cure and not destroy. Mothers wouldn't leave their daughters. Fathers wouldn't leave their families. Abusers wouldn't throw punches. Children wouldn't starve. People wouldn't die on the streets. If it were a perfect world people wouldn't hate. People wouldn't kill each other or themselves. Women wouldn't have to prostitute themselves. Men wouldn't go to them for validation. People wouldn't need plastic surgery to feel better about themselves. Women and men wouldn't starve themselves. Hands wouldn't be used to hit but to shelter and protect. Questions would be answered.

Sometimes when I think about society and our world I get disgusted.

What's wrong with wanting perfection?

My mind is working double-duty right now. I wish it could stop. I have thoughts of every kind running through my head.

Coming soon: What was inside the letter my biological mother wrote to me?

Friday, June 20, 2008

No Distractions

I feel perfect. For now, at least.

It could be the wine. It could be the feeling that everything is going to be just fine. It could be the feeling that I'm not the only person in this world who feels the way that I do. It could be a mix of all of these things.

I really felt like writing tonight. For some reason though, I can't express the words that I want to say. So forgive me if this doesn't make much sense....Sometimes the thoughts don't flow so smoothly.

But for now I am just fine. I feel relaxed and at peace (been awhile since I've felt like this). For the past few years my mind has been a storm. There were many turbulent times. For the most part, I managed to hide these emotions..but they were there, raging inside of me all along.

I've learned to accept things. I've learned to have more patience. I've learned to move on.

I know there will be setbacks, despite what I say. I know there will be days when I'm pushed to the edge with thoughts that I don't want to deal with. But that is alright and I'm ready for it.

Music is so powerful. It just makes me release all of what I'm feeling. No matter what the emotion is, it is a good release.

So enough of this...

In class, a few days ago, I was reading a student's journal. I found an amusing quote, "If a boy can eat really hot kimchi it shows how strong of a man he can be." Well, it made giggle.

Another student wrote about her sister's friend "piepied" on himself...Sometimes it's great fun to read their VE books.

Monsoon season is here. Yeay for rain?! o_O

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Get-away weekend

Friday night, Marie and I met at Seoul Station to get on the KTX (fast train) to Busan. After a three hour ear-popping ride we arrived at Busan Station around 12:45 a.m. and thanks to some friendly locals we found the bus stop to Haeundae Beach. The bus ride wasn't too long. It was only about forty minutes. We hurried off of the bus and sank our toes in the cool sand. It felt good to be at a beach again. Then we found a convenient store to buy supplies and went to the kimbap place for some food.

Marie was waiting for me outside of the restaurant, where she started talking to a local Korean. To make a long story short they hung out with us for awhile on the beach. Although the language barrier made it a little difficult to communicate. They knew some English, but not enough to have very interesting conversation.

J (boy in hat): Unbelievable.
N: What?
J: You are from?
N: America.
J: L.A.? I have friend in L.A.
N: Nope, Mississippi.
J: Ah....moment of silence.....WOW.

J: Hi cutie boy..
N: what!?
J: CUTIE GIRl. oh, sorry. so sorry.
J: Do you have man friend? You be my man friend?
N: Excuse me?
J: Do you have man friend?
N: Yes, I have many man friends.Do you have man friends?
J: uh.? huh? oh ha ha. WOW. Sorry?

J: You be my man friend?
N: TO MARIE: I think I'm having an identity crisis.
N: You. Want me. To be friend?
J: Yes.
N: I'm not a man.
J: Oh.....*moment of silence* You want be my man friend......

It was amusing to play with him for a little while. I knew what he was asking and I thought it was just silly.

Around 4 a.m we said goodbye to our Haeundae beach pals and went to a love motel. We paid 40 bucks for the night and got what we paid for. It was very ugly on the inside and the shower didn't have hot water. Sometime between 5 am and 9 am we woke up from some loud banging and yelling. I thought strange people were going to barge into our room and tell us to get out of there...they didn't and I fell back asleep.

After the cold shower, Marie and I went to the local Starbucks for some coffee and breakfast. Saturday was a busy day. We went on a Ferry ride, visited a temple that is on the coast line of Korea, and played at the beach. Later that evening, after listening to a variety of musical acts, Marie introduced me to her French Korean friend Jullien and his girlfriend. They were very nice people.

I even had my first hand-in-arm experience too. As we walked to find the restaurant, Soo Hyun ( I believe that was her name--I'm so bad at remembering Korean names) takes my arm in her hand. In Korea girls (and guys) hold hands or hold arms to show that you're friends or that you are comfortable with one another. It was a little awkward at first...

Towards the end of the night we saw fireworks and drank makju (beer) on the beach. We then played a game of rock, sissors, paper. The winner decided what the loser's "mission" was. It was a good bit of fun.

Marie and I planned to leave Saturday night because she had a prior commitment with a friend back in Seoul on Sunday. Due to lack of information we managed to miss the KTX back to Seoul by about twenty minutes. So we decided to go to jimjilbang (Korean bath house). This was Marie's first experience with jimjilbang and I felt a little awkward just because she is my coworker and I saw her naked.

The jimjilbang was really nice compared to the other one that I have been to. Bally Aqua Spa has seven floors and the women's shower room was a good size. Marie and I played in the PC room for a little while and then decided to go take a short nap before our trip home. Unfortunately, I only managed to get thirty minutes of sleep. I was uncomfortable because it was warm and there were people coming in and out of the room, "papa bear" snoring, and whispers. I didn't sleep on the train either. I was too busy looking at the Korean countryside.

The trip officially ended around 9:30 this morning. I went to sleep, as soon as I got home, and didn't wake up until 4p.m. Then I went on a Costco trip...pickles, yum.

I really enjoyed the beach and the Busan area. The people (especially the girls) in Busan, compared to Seoul, are friendlier and more laid back. The scenery is wonderful. In the taxi ride, on the way to the temple, I didn't feel like I was in Korea at all because I'm so used to seeing tall buildings, business suits, and a plethora of convenient stores in Seoul. There were so many trees, so much nature, and there was a constant breeze that made me feel so good.

Updates on my biological mother: I received the translated version of her letter.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The Picture

Whatever I am feeling at the moment is not what I had imagined I would be feeling after seeing my biological mother for the first time.

I feel a little disappointed. Possibly ashamed. Even hurt.

I imagined that I would feel relieved or happy...Not this.

The social worker says that she can see a resemblance between me and my biological mother. I haven't seen it. I'm trying to.

I'm even having second thoughts on whether I should meet her, since I'm feeling this way. We'll see what the letter says.


This past weekend I got this strange anxious feeling...It almost prevented me from leaving my apartment, but I overcame it.

I'm tired of this feeling..that comes. You would think, after feeling it for so long, I would know what it is. I don't. Emptiness? Sadness? Restlessness?

Being forgotten or let go. Struggling to let go and struggling not to let go.

I'm trying to plan a trip to London for my vacation in July. Let's hope it works. I think I could really use a get-away adventure for a few days by myself.

Monday, June 2, 2008

That's not what gets me...

A student told me that I looked 32 years old.

Another student told me that she is afraid of blue eyes because you can see the pupils (she didn't use the word pupils)...

Important Notice: My biological mother has written her letter to me. I have yet to receive the translation...Soohyun, the social worker, should be sending it to me sometime this week. The original copy will be mailed along with the photo.

To be continued.